What to do when you feel like everything’s falling apart

The world is wonderful and beautiful, but that can be hard to see when a crisis punctures your perception of it.

When we’re in crisis, we often shut down and repress or blow up and stress.  Neither helps us get back to our goal of feeling good again.  From someone who’s felt her life was in shambles more than a tempered glass windshield after a hail storm, many things that feel like the end of the world are actually components of a new normal.

1.  Cut out the what-ifs:  My brain loves what-if statements.  “What if I’d done this instead?” “What if I hadn’t said that?” “What if I hadn’t thought like that before?”  Giving your mind infinite imaginary scenarios is letting it play alone in the playground of anxiety.  When you’re in distress, you want your mind babysat.  You need to keep track of what it’s doing, so you can keep yourself focused and correct any misconceptions later.  And, when you play what-if games, you’re not dealing with reality anymore.

2.  Hold your horses:  Take a minute and breathe.  It’s like trying to eat chips and salsa while you’re riding a bike: each needs its own time to complete, and you can’t do both at once (either you’ll spill your salsa or fall off your bike which leaves you hungry and hurt).  Poor analogies aside, you need to deal with one thing at a time: the crisis and life.  When you’re feeling like things are falling apart, this is something that probably needs attention, because it’s affecting how you feel.  And how you feel affects basically every other part of your life.  Stop what you’re doing for five minutes and think about what’s wrong.

3.  Don’t expect to solve your problem in those five minutes:  The only problems that get solved in five minutes are the ones you find the Quizlet answers to from the semester before.  You need to dedicate more than a Starbucks order waiting time’s worth of time to fix what’s wrong with how you’re feeling.  Give yourself time to process what’s going on, analyze how you can solve it, and enact your solution.  This can be really helpful, because a lot of the times these crises come with a lot of anxiety, and giving yourself just a couple minutes to make your move is an unnecessarily stressful deadline to put on yourself.

4.  Don’t feel like you need a solution right now:  Going along with the part about anxiety, don’t come up with unrealistic deadlines and expectations for yourself.  You’re already having a hard enough time, so giving yourself a little bit of leeway and letting yourself process the situation before acting takes some of the pressure off.

5.  Understand that everyone feels like this at some point:  It’s isolating when you feel like you’re the only one going through an experience, but you being solo is rarely the case.  Even just that thought, that someone else has faced a problem like yours and persisted can bring you solace.  There’re people you can talk to who want to help and listen, and your only obstacle is finding those people.

Sincerely,

Calla

Why you should celebrate rejection

Let’s be genuine: everyone’s going to face rejection at some point, and it’s painful.  You feel like they weren’t able to see everything you could add, or you were dismissed too easily.

I’ve been there many a time, and it’s difficult to realize that what you want doesn’t necessarily want you back, whether it’s a job, a friend, or a school.  We come up with these scenarios in our heads that if we had only got this one thing, then we’d be so much happier/more successful/wealthier/healthier/less stressed/the list is infinite.

Rejection is hard, because we think that what we want is automatically what’s best for us.  But, what if it’s not?  What if we can do better?

Pretend you want this job, and you think it’s the best option for you.  And you try so much to get this job, but you get rejected in the last round of interviews.

In a way, it’s actually a positive thing, because the job probably just wasn’t right for you.  Perhaps there was something that person saw that might’ve inhibited you from excelling.  When we face rejection, in a way, we should celebrate.  That person knows what they expect from you better than you might, so that rejection really saves us a lot of frustration later when we’re in a situation we’re not right for.  Maybe you just weren’t right for the position–and that’s no one’s fault.  All it is is a bad match.

Rejection gets us down now, but it lets us soar later, because it makes us go out and find the opportunity we’re more suited for.

Think about it like this: you can only have one job at a time.  If you end up working on this job you hate, you’re wasting time not doing something you’d be really good at.  You need to open up that space to allow the good opportunities to take it.

I think that the key to getting what you want is accepting the fact that you don’t always know what you want.  You can’t predict every experience, so you have a limited point of view when choosing the “perfect option.”  I’ve had this happen a million times, where the thing I thought I wanted actually wasn’t right for me at all, and what I thought I didn’t want was the better match.

I’m going to be cliché and say that I think everything happens for a reason.  If something didn’t work out, it’s because you’re meant for something better.  You’re meant to be happier/more successful/wealthier/healthier/less stressed/the list is infinite than you’d be with that thing you thought you wanted.  When you begin to recognize rejection as one step closer to getting what you want, that’s when you’re unstoppable.

Sincerely,

Calla

 

6 life lessons I learned from my toughest semester ever

Wow.  It’s been a while.  3 months and 12 days!  103 days!  I could go on with the conversions, but my point is that there hasn’t been a post on here in too long.

The gap in semi-interesting thoughts spawns from a semester that was perhaps the most difficult I’ve ever taken at Penn State.  Classes gave me trouble that I didn’t expect, and there were plenty of sleepless nights and less-than-wonderful days.  I hate taking breaks from blogging, because it’s one of my favorite things; alas, the things you do for an undergrad degree.

However, I learned so much from the past 15 weeks that I thought I could combine some of it into a post to celebrate the return of your favorite (and perhaps only) fake blonde, sunflower-loving, engineer/blogger girl.  So, here it goes: 6 life lessons I learned from my toughest semester ever.

1. You don’t have time for toxic friendships: I’ve talked before about how to spot and handle a toxic friendship, but this advice gives more perspective on that post.  When you have limited extra time to give to people, you want to give as much as possible to those who make you feel good about yourself.  And of course this isn’t to say that just because you don’t talk to all the good people in your life all the time that you’re subconsciously saying they aren’t worth your time.  This point focuses more on giving people who don’t add to your life less attention.  Especially when you’re stressed, you need really good people to fall back on and tell you things are ok.  That’s what’ll get you through.

2.  Rejection is inevitable, but it feels amplified when you’re stressed: When you’re working so hard for something and it doesn’t end up working out like you wanted, it’s easy to become more discouraged.  It can make you feel like you’re ill-equipped to handle what’s being thrown at you.  When you’re stressed, your judgement is clouded and you aren’t thinking like normal.  Moderate rejections and closed doors feel like crises, and it’s hard to shake off.  But, the key to getting through this is using perspective.  Look at your track record–you’ve prevailed over rejection before, and all that one closed door means is that you’re meant for a better opportunity.

3.  Sleep, meals and exercise should be scheduled like a class: You’re not a robot.  You have basic needs that help you function at your best.  It can be easy to cut out one of these components, because you might not see immediate consequences like you might if you miss an assignment or don’t study for an exam.  Consequences in your health take longer to appear than two class periods.  This is something I struggled with, because sleep and exercise are usually the first to go when I have too much work.  But, good health is what’s going to take you beyond those assignments, and poor health has lasting effects.  But, penciling in a bed time or a 30 minute exercise session and sticking to it could fix this–it’s something I’ll try (and probably write a post on) next semester. 🙂

4. Showing you’re a leader isn’t “how many leadership roles can you take on”:  Instead, it’s “how well can you do in the ones you take on.”  This goes back to the value of your time; you could spend your time being mediocre at a bunch of things, or you could be really impactful in fewer things.  This concept isn’t revolutionary–I’ve seen it be used everywhere, but it’s really relevant here, especially when you’re managing an operation.  It’s different from a class, because if you take on too much during a semester, you’ll just get lower grades (read: yourself).  But, in a leadership role, if you don’t have enough time to dedicate, you risk affecting an entire operation (read: other people).

5. If possible, don’t make major life decisions when you’re in the middle of a stressful situation: This ties into our talk about rejection with clouded judgement.  Try to wait until things have died down until you make a life-altering choice.  This way, you’re making sure that your stressors aren’t influencing your decision, because in many cases, the decision’s consequences last longer than the effects of the stressors.

6. Try your best: You might not ace every class.  You might not get an amazing performance review every time.  You might not get the internship you’ve been wanting forever.  But, you’re trying, and that’s where you should be proud of yourself. Sometimes, we set our expectations for ourselves higher than we can actually achieve. Even if you don’t reach your perfect-world goals, you’re still achieving so much.  When you try to improve yourself, whether it’s with school or exercise or anything else, you’ll create a better version of yourself than you had yesterday.

Sincerely,

Calla

8 reasons why millennials are a great generation

They say that baby boomers are the selfish workaholics.  Generation Xers are the unfocused cynics.  And finally, millennials are the lazy snowflakes.

I’ve heard it so many times that I feel like I missed the memo on a script:

“Oh, you millennials… you’re lazy and want everything handed to you without working for it!”

But, what if I told you that the millennials aren’t actually that bad?  What if I told you that we’re one of the most socially and technologically innovative generations of all time–that we have this hyper self-awareness, or that we’re passionate about social reform?

Sure, we’re not perfect, and this isn’t a case to say we are.  As a generation, there’s some truth in what some people say about our patience or self-obsession.  I mean, come on, we sensationalized the selfie.  I’m not pretending there aren’t some bizarre things about us, but I do want to highlight our strengths as a generation. 🙂

1. We’re a highly educated generation: We know the value of a degree in today’s job market.  We get that a college degree is the new high school diploma, and although experience becomes more important in our careers later on, schooling is going to give us those initially job opportunities.

2. We want to enjoy our working environment:  We want to take advantage of the opportunities our employers offer us and benefit from them in more ways than just from a salary.  Sure, your work shouldn’t be your entire life, but it’s a decent part of it, so we want to make it as enjoyable as possible.  This translates into overall happier and more productive employees.

3. We don’t take bullying:  In the past, bullying was a character building experience.  However, as time progresses, the importance of bystander intervention has increased.  We’re one of the first generations to receive formally training in standing up to bullies.  We realize that it can lead to mental health problems in adults, and we want to prevent this type of trauma.

4. We’re catalysts for a mass social mental health reform: We’ll talk about the difficult topics, whether it’s depression, anxiety or suicide.  We know that there’re other people who feel like us, and we want to make people aware of both the issues and that they’re not alone.  We value the mental health days, and we know it’s as important as physical health.

5. We’re interconnected and collaborative:  We get that there’s a world around us.  We can use social media to talk to people in every country.  To us, the community isn’t just our home nation–it’s every nation, because we know we can learn something from everyone.

6. We know that things can fall apart:  9/11 and The Great Recession happened early enough in our lives that we realized that sometimes, we don’t have a safety net.  We know that there are some people who just want to hurt us.  We also understand that not everything is guaranteed, and many of us felt the real effects from the crises.

7. We’re proud of our creativity:  With the dawn of the internet, we’ve found a million ways to creatively express ourselves.  From Youtube videos to Deviantart, we’re not afraid to be break out iMovie or a paint brush and show the world what we feel.

8.  We’re that bridge generation with tech: We didn’t grow up with an iPad in our hands.  We grew up on VHS tapes and passing actual notes in class.  Many of us were teenagers by the time social media really hit, so we understood the pre-hyper-tech world better than generations after us will.  However, we also have a lot of experience with social media, so we can empathize a little bit with both generations.

Sincerely,

Calla

*Lastly, I’d like to thank Jake Picnic for encouraging me to actually write this post.  As they also say, not all heroes wear capes.*

6 life lessons I learned from living in Seattle for a summer

I spent the summer living in Seattle, so you don’t have to.

Just kidding, I loved it!  Seattle is one of the most unique places I’ve ever visited.  The local culture is so vibrant, and there’s an mist of nonchalance that covers the air when the fog burns up.  Seattle is a city that its residents are proud to represent, and this gave me the perfect environment to do a little soul-searching and self improvement.  I’ve never spent a summer focusing solely on personal growth and where I want to go life-wise, and at the risk of sounding too much like a blurb off Instagram, taking three months to learn more about myself and what I really want has been enlightening.

Now that I’ve sprinkled this post with so much mozzarella, let’s get onto the point of your visit here: 6 life lessons from living in Seattle.

1. You can be easygoing and ambitious at the same time:  Simply put, you don’t have to constantly feel like you’re about to have a coronary from anxiety to have goals.  I think it’s a common thing to associate Type A personalities with high ambition, but wanting success isn’t necessarily a trait specific to a personality type.  It’s okay to roll with it; you’ll still get things done! 🙂 Seattle is possibly the most collectively relaxed city I’ve ever visited–much different from the east coast in a sense that that insatiable need to get onto the next task is diminished.  It’s taught me that you don’t always have to be on the go to want to achieve.  Which leads me into my next point…

2. Not everything needs to get done right now:  Not everything on the bucket list has to be done by tomorrow or this weekend.  Take your time, and take breaks when you need it.  It can be daunting to look at all the things you want to accomplish and become intimidated.  For a while, I often felt like I was going to be constantly racing against the clock to get all of my school completed, and it was frustrating.  Once you reframe your mindset to realize how much time a year or five actually is, you realize that you’re doing just fine, and your pace is probably perfect for you.

3. Everyone can use another friend:  I’ve made so many wonderful friends this summer, and I’m so grateful for them.  I used to be one to keep my friend circle pretty small, but learning to branch out has taught me how much you can gain from new friendships.  Genuinely connecting with people can be unusual, so it’s amazing when you find people who you feel like you can be yourself around and enjoy your company.  This isn’t to say that you’re required to become best friends with everyone you meet, because that obviously isn’t realistic.  But, you can never meet too many good people.  Knowing someone cares about your wellbeing is a warm feeling, and you never know how much a friendship means to someone who feels they don’t have enough support or really needs it at the moment.

4. It’s easier to be outgoing when you’re confident:  This is probably the biggest lesson I’ve learned this summer.  I’ve always been pretty quiet, but I’ve slowly begun to grow out of my shyness.  Developing self confidence is something that’s helped me in talking to people–but that sounds intuitive, doesn’t it?  When you feel comfortable with yourself to the degree that you’re not afraid of people’s reactions, you’re more likely to approach them as the truest and calmest version of yourself, because you know you’ll be okay if they don’t like what you’re saying.

5. Don’t take it personally if someone doesn’t like you: You’re not everyone’s type, and sometimes your experiences are so different that you can’t relate to each other.  It’s nobody’s fault–it’s just the circumstances that make you guys incompatible.  It doesn’t mean you both aren’t amazing people.  You won’t have a connection with everyone that you meet, and that’s ok; it’s what makes those friendships more special.

6. Trust your intuition:  If something feels right, then go with it.  If it doesn’t, don’t.  Your instincts are biologically engrained into you to keep you safe from dangerous situations. If you feel like something is wrong, then it probably is, and you shouldn’t ignore your feelings, even if you risk coming off as impolite.

Sincerely,

Calla

How to rebuild self esteem

Almost everyone has come across something that knocks you off their balance: a situation or a series of events that make you unsure of yourself.  Or maybe, you never had a lot of self esteem in the beginning, so this brings you a little lower.  Either way, I believe two things: people should do more of what makes them happy, and they should feel better about themselves than they usually do.  Today, I want to talk about the second.

Since I’m writing this post, you can probably infer I’ve had experience with damaged confidence.  I won’t pretend that it’s only happened once or that I’ve bounced back immediately, either.  Learning to view yourself in a positive way is difficult, because it’s so easy to focus on what you aren’t good at or need to improve on.  I believe that some personalities are more susceptible to lower self esteem: perfectionism, shyness, sensitivity, and social uncomfortableness are characteristics that I’d peg–mainly because I had them just like my friends who felt like me.

Give them some tools for self-improvement and a couple confidence boosting moments, and you’re on your way to watching their opinion of themselves flourish before you.

People can glue seemingly shattered fragments of their self worth back together.  But it takes time to fit those pieces back together, and a little more to let the glue dry.  I don’t like the phrase, “picking up the pieces.”  You can pick up a mess in an instant; to make order of the chaos is completely different, and it takes time.

I’m going to share some advice on how to build self esteem.  While this isn’t all you can do to rebuild your confidence, it’s a great start.

1. Do something nice for someone: When you help someone accomplish something, you feel useful.  People value what you offer them, and it proves to yourself how much you contribute to making peoples’ lives better.

2. Ask a friend for a pep talk:  Your friends want you to feel good and succeed.  There’s nothing wrong with asking them to give you a couple words of encouragement when you’re going through a rough time.  Friends are there to support you, so they’d probably be happy to tell you how amazing they think you are!

3. Work to understand your emotions:  This has been really helpful for me over the years.  Trying to gain an understanding of what emotion you feel and why you feel it is a good way to better understand yourself.  Your emotions are a key part in how you see the world, and understanding those can help you figure out who you are and how your mind works.

4. Compliment yourself:  There’s nothing wrong with looking at yourself in the mirror and saying you look fantastic.  Or looking at your last A-grade paper and commending your intelligence.  Or looking at your significant other and recognizing that your flexibility and understanding is helping to make the relationship work.  This goes along with becoming your own best friend–learning how to see the good qualities about yourself is the base of self worth.  And by creating this solid base of self-love and appreciation, you’re building a mountain of confidence.

5. Take good care of yourself:  When you’re eating foods that nourish your brain, stretching your muscles on a walk, practicing good grooming and hygiene, and taking a mental break when you need to, you’re benefitting your health and body.  These habits are what’re strengthening and refueling you to take on new challenges.  Physical and mental health are synchronized, so moving one forward can often affect the other.

6. Get more sleep:  There’s no question that you feel lousy when you don’t get enough sleep.  Your brain feels cloudy and you can’t think like you normally do.  It’s like being in a state of disorientation until you get to go back to sleep.  How are you supposed to build yourself up if you aren’t feeling well?  Hormonally, your cortisol levels are totally out of whack, which can make you end up feeling nervous and uneasy.  Not the best environment for enlightenment.

7.  Stop talking to people who make you feel bad: We’ve talked before about spotting and handling toxic friendships, so this may seem repetitive.  However, I can’t tell you enough how important it is to surround yourself with really good people who care about and support you.  They’re the ones you’re going to go to when you’re feeling down, and they’re the ones you’ll go to when you need advice.  You need reliable people and ones who want what’s best for you.  After all, people often slowly become more like the people they hang out with.

8.  Forgive your failures, but don’t forget them: Originally, this point was labeled “forget your failures.”  However, after thinking, that’s always the most constructive way to move forward.  We’ve talked about failure a lot on this blog, and I think it provides good lessons–mental nourishment for your future self, even.  I don’t think you should discount your wealth of experiences, no matter how badly you failed.  Each has taught you something about life or how to think, and each should be rewarded with remembrance.  This isn’t to say you have to think about them every day or torture yourself over what you did wrong.  Life would be a lot easier if we could live it backwards–then we’d never make mistakes.  But give yourself a break; you did the best you could, and now you know what you can do better.  Forgetting the experience altogether eliminates that crucial, second part.

Sincerely,

Calla

Should you take an internship near or far from home?

Interning over the summer is my favorite part of college.  It gives you more time to dedicate to making money, networking, boosting your resume, and making a name for yourself in your field of interest.  Interning is also generally short-term employment which leads to it being relatively low commitment–not in a sense that you don’t have to show up for work, but more that it’s not a big deal if you don’t love what you’re doing, because you’re only working there for three months over the summer.

There are a variety of aspects to consider when analyzing an internship offer, and one of the most obvious is where you’ll be working.  Some students prefer to intern near home, and others specifically apply to openings somewhere far away.  There are benefits and drawbacks to each, and I want to inform you guys thinking about interning next summer and beyond about which situation is best for you!

For reference, I lived at home during my first summer of college to take classes and run The Candid Closet.  My second summer, I did a research internship at Texas A&M in College Station, TX.  This summer, I took another research internship at the University of Washington in Seattle, WA.  Each has been different (especially working pretty far to very far away), and I’ve gotten a general idea about what both situations entail as well as information from friends who’ve interned before.

The Benefits of Interning Near Home

Unless your parents are charging you rent, chances are you’re pocketing much of the money you make from working without worrying about rent, meal, or laundry expenses.  Also, this situation simplifies transportation to/from work.  At least this summer, it’d be a huge hassle to have driven my car to Seattle all the way from Pennsylvania, but if I lived near my parents, I could use my car or ask them to drive me on their way to work.

When you’re living at home, is you’ll probably have childhood friends and family who are also home for the summer that you can reconnect with.  Home is familiar–you don’t have to worry about adapting to somewhere new, so it can ease the process of adjusting to your new job.

The Drawbacks of Interning Near Home

Living at home might not be the most adventurous and exciting way to spend your summer.  Also, you may feel like you just got an independence downgrade from when you were on your own in college.  Depending on family dynamics, you may keep a schedule you wouldn’t normally make for yourself or be exposed to unnecessary family drama.  It may be difficult to readjust to answering to someone other than yourself, like you likely do in college.  Ultimately, I think it’s a practicability for independence tradeoff.

The Benefits of Interning Far From Home

Exploring somewhere new is exciting, and it’s one of the main reasons I haven’t applied to internships near my hometown.  When you’re on your own, you’re learning how to take care of yourself in a way you wouldn’t think of at home.  It helps you to grow and develop self reliance and resourcefulness.

In my case, Interning far from home let me visit new places I wouldn’t otherwise think to see (and get paid for it).  I’ve made friends from all over the country and networked in person with spectacular people I would’ve otherwise only known online.  My weekends gave me the chance to explore this new area and take on that part-time tourist role (which is a lot of fun).

The Drawbacks of Interning Far From Home

Things can definitely get more complicated and expensive than being at home.  Exploring somewhere new can cost money, and even if your program is paying for your travel and apartment, you often still have to cover your own meals and transportation around town.

If there’s an emergency, being far from home means you’re likely dealing with the situation yourself–something you might not feel ready for.  There’s also that initial, uneasy feeling you get when you’re somewhere totally new–in my hometown, I knew which sides of town were safe and which to avoid.  When you go somewhere you know little about, you might unknowingly put yourself in danger just by walking down a particular street, simply because you don’t know better.  Danger can take many faces, and it might be one you hadn’t recognized until you’re in trouble.

In my experience, interning far from home was an excitement for convenience tradeoff.

Ultimately, though, wherever you take an internship, it’s going to be a great experience for you.  Where you’re working during the summer is a temporary thing, and if you go somewhere and decide you hate it, you’re not required to go back! 🙂

Sincerely,

Calla